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Did you sign up for this dating site while sitting at a red light? If you had time to create a profile and log in, then you have the time to fill out the profile, jackass. Online dating is not Amazon Prime with free two day shipping of a brand new girlfriend. You’re trying to make yourself look good, not lame. Say you love horror films and underwater archaeology, Civil War reenactments, and brewing your own bathtub mint juleps. Those are the things people usually notice about me. No one wants to read a paragraph of band names unless it’s some wacky, fake Coachella lineup. Don’t list everything you’ve ever seen, played, or read. This is also where you list your hobbies or interests, stuff you do for fun. If you don’t have any hobbies or interests, again, this is why you’re single. Even my hottest friends, who by all logic should be cleaning up on these apps, find online dating excruciating.And if it’s not working for hot people, then you know it’s not working for anyone.

On the non-physical side, it would be that I’m funny and that I’m usually The Loud One in the room. But because we think there’s a chance we might get laid or loved, we’re willing to pay any price—even our precious free time. Tinder is 70 percent (a made-up stat) deciding if strangers are hot enough to risk getting murdered, 29 percent typing “hey,” and maybe 1 percent “meeting people.” Tinder is to meeting people as The Sims is to raising a family. DO NOT use a picture of just you and someone of the opposite sex. If you’re really good at taking up space on the couch and burning through Lifetime movies, then I can tell you why you’re single. Have you never been given a compliment in your life? We don’t care about your car or truck or motorcycle or funny meme. BARE MINIMUM: one picture where we can see your face. If you’re too embarrassed to post picture of yourself then you need to wake up to the fact it’s 2018 and everyone is online dating. Get over yourself and thinking you’re too good for this. For the love of God, add information about yourself.

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